How Do I Feel?

by Susan Rademaker

How do you feel? How do you want to feel?

How do I feel?

How do I want to feel?

These are two questions asked in a short exercise for a writing workshop for grieving moms that I had the privilege of attending last year. We had broken into small groups. I was in a group with our gracious and talented facilitator and two other women, one of which turned out to be an unwelcome guest. She admittedly was not a grieving mother. She was not a grieving anything. She apparently had other motives, none of which any of us ever figured out.

I almost did not attend the workshop. It was a gorgeous, sunny, and unseasonably warm Sunday afternoon in January. I still had my weekend cleaning regime hanging over my head and a nap was especially tempting! My husband (lovingly) labeled me a nerd when I told him about the workshop and my almost 7 year old daughter begged me not to go, “Why do you HAVE to go, Mama??”

“I don’t HAVE to, Tay. I want to and I will see you in a bit.” After seven hugs, just one more kiss (five times) and an assertive, “TAYLOR!” from her daddy, I was in the car. I “Wazed” (Waze is THE best GPS app – look it up!) my way to this writing workshop at a Heine Brothers in St. Matthews. I had no idea what to expect when I got there but at 40 years old, having overcome all that I had, the days of intimidation by the unknown were long gone! God is in control. It is His plan and I had been praying for Him to reveal His plan. I have always had a passion for writing. I had written therapeutically long before I knew the meaning of the word “therapeutic”. And……I am a grieving mom. I met the criteria. I am pretty sure that God was saying, “Go, Susan!”

I went.

How do I feel? It’s the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time I feel 100% at peace. 20% of the time I am 80% angry, heartbroken, bitter, lost, exhausted.

How do I want to feel? Well, I think I really like that 80/20 rule. I am utterly grateful for this peace that I get to feel 80% of the time, even more so after spending three hours of this Sunday with other grieving mamas. But, I need my 20% time of 80% anger, heartbreak, bitterness, loss, and exhaustion. I. Need. This. I earned this and it is okay for me to allow myself this 20% of 80%, because I am human. I am grieving and although it has been almost five years since his angel-versary (I also need this app to stop auto-correcting my fake words), I still and always will……GRIEVE.

I’m 80/20 in my grief. Maybe you are 20/80 in your grief, or 50/50, or 90/10 or 10/90………The thing is that no one gets to tell you how you feel and how you want to feel. It is YOUR grief. You get to feel what you feel.
How do you feel? How do you want to feel? I can’t grant you peace, but I can share with you how I get my peace.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33

He has overcome the world, so why can’t He can’t overcome my pain? He can and I let Him. Most of the time.

Susan Rademaker

I am a woman who has experienced the loss of a child, something no one should ever have to go through. I am a woman who found peace in my heart that only Jesus Christ can bring (Isaiah 9:6). I am a woman with a passion to share this peace with you. Maybe you know Jesus. Maybe you don’t. Either way, let’s be friends. Maybe you have struggled in your life and can find comfort in simply knowing that You. Are. Not. Alone.

Recommended Posts

Tomorrow is the day…

December 16, 2017

The Good in Cancer

November 03, 2017

Lessons in an Icetray

August 26, 2017